Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
