using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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