you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
