Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize