This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
whose parrot is this?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
