Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
