i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
