No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize