You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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