tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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