the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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