Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
