He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
