yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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