I hate all girls vehemently.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
