You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Help. Why am I so naked?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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