Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
