Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
