3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
