take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
