Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize