If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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