it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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