At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
