I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Someone shattered a urinal.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
