Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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