at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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