I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
