So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
