Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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