Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
