Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
