you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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