Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
