Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
