I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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