sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
