Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
