i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
