Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
