yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
