false alarm. still invincible.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
