We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
