He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize