Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
