I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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