just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
