Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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