he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
