it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
