this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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