Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
