How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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