Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
