google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
