My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
