i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
