were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
